Most of us have endured the dreaded "talk" with our parents. We have heard about the birds & the bees, the stork and a whole list of things we have come to realize is just straight bull shit!

At 32 years old I still cannot figure out what birds and bees have to do with sex. How about the great "stork" story? I would have loved for the "stork" to have endured the 24 hours of labor I suffered through with my first. Lest we not forgot her fairytale of how beautiful sex is. Don't get me wrong; sex, love making, whatever you want to call it, can be beautiful. However, not until we can get past all those unexplained noises our body is making during it.

Would have been nice if mom had warned me about the farting sound I made during one of my first sexual experiences, aka the quief! How about the not-so-true-to-life bedroom expectations from watching movies, television and those highly erotic yet unrealistic pornos? So what do you say we squash some of the fiction that has intruded our sex lives?

Let's start with that quief I mentioned. Can we say embarrassing! In the throes of passion, trying to be sexy, when out of nowhere a very loud "plurp bbrrrmm" erupts from down below. Mortified is the only word that comes to mind recalling the first time this happened to me. Hello mom, a heads up would have been nice.

Well ladies I am sure we all know by now what that is, of course most of us had to find out the hard way. It is air trapped in our bodies. I find I "sfart" (my word for the sex fart) when playing in the doggie style position. After it's all over you get up to walk to the bathroom and with every step "plurp bbrrmm" escapes. I wish I could tell you avoiding the doggie style position will eliminate this from ever happening but sorry no can do. It can and will happen regardless of position.

So why am I even talking about it? So you know you're not alone. I thought something was seriously wrong with me. I didn't exactly run to my girlfriends asking if this happened to them too. I knew in my inexperienced little head that I was deformed. Even now when I know it is common and natural I still get embarrassed when it happens.

This next part is for the ladies and the guys. Movies, television, porn- they are not real!!!! Do not compare your bedroom technique to what you see on the screen. Why? Umm hello they are not actually having sex. It's an act, that's why they are called actors, duh! Well except in porn but come on, can we say editing? In the real world we sweat during sex, our make-up gets messed-up, our hair becomes a nest and we are panting like wild animals. Trust me, this is a good thing, it means we are doing it right.

Now for you guys. Can you stop expecting us to perform like your favorite porno queen? Do not slam our heads down or hold them in place when we are giving you head. I will put it in simple terms: we have something growing by the second in our mouth- we need to breath! Do you really want some poor girl having "died while giving head" in her obit because she choked on your cock? And please guys for goodness sake stop feeling inadequate because you're not able to last for hours like the guys in porn's. I don't know about everyone but no way do I want to have straight sex for even an hour let alone longer. Some good 4-play and sex for an hour now you're talking. Can we all agree to keep the acting out of the bedroom?

Next we have grooming down below. In my teens I had a bush that would have made some thick hair pieces to cover the heads of ten bald men. Ladies if you want your man to go down and lick you into oblivion then you must, MUST maintain the mane. I personally prefer shaved for myself but that's not for everyone. If you prefer not to shave completely, for goodness sake woman, trim that bush. How fun is pillow talk when your man is laying there picking pubes out of his teeth? Gross! Between your thighs is no place for a wild forest.

Now for you guys, you didn't really think I was letting you off the hook, did you? Trim, trim, trim! This goes both ways. You want your girl to give you mind blowing head? Then please I beg of you to do the same. I will be damned if I am going to wrap my mouth around something that resembles a chia pet! Do not wait for her to come at you with a weed whacker in the bedroom. Not only would it be embarrassing but it could also be highly traumatizing. I love giving as much as I do receiving but I will be damned if I have to go digging for buried treasure. Not sexy to be hacking up fur balls after giving you mind blowing head. A pubic hair in the throat is beyond uncomfortable.

The worst part about these personal things is when nobody talks about them, it leaves you feeling alone. If we stop keeping the not-so-sexy to ourselves we might help someone eliminate their sexual hang ups. What about you guys? Care to share your embarrassing, eye opening sex tales that brought you out of fantasy land and into reality? Promise at least one other person has experienced the same thing.

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