Forget about museums. There's nothing that Smithsonian is going to teach you that you couldn't learn off Wikipedia. And what's the deal with tropical islands? Long flights, bugs, massively under-advertised quantities of rain. I'll stick with the Travel Channel, thanks. Camping? Sorry, but I took these two weeks to relax, not attempt my own personal Lewis and Clark.

No, the truth is that deep down, what we all really crave is beer. What better vacation than a beer tour? Wine tourism is already booming throughout the country and abroad, but those boorish, overpriced, and over-civilized traps are nothing compared the rowdy common man fun of a beer tour.

Love the stuff but don't know much about it? No problem. First we'll review some basic beer terms that tend to come up in the enthusiast trade, and then we'll discuss four fantastic beer cities that belong on any amateur's first beer tour with hotel recommendations included.

A Quick Lesson in Beer

Beer is the world's oldest alcoholic beverage and is made by brewing a grain, most commonly malted barley, in water and then fermenting the resulting brew with yeast. The yeast, which are actually a microscopic fungus, eat the natural sugars in the grain, which produces ethyl alcohol as a bi-product. Once the mixture reaches a certain alcohol content, the yeast die and the liquid is now beer. This young beer is fermented a second time to create carbon dioxide or carbonation, finally creating a beer that is fit to drink.

However, if you drank so simple a beer you would be quite disappointed. If, however, the brewer has added hops to the mixture during brewing, you could be in store for a very tasty brew indeed. Hops are the bitter flower of the hop plant and are used in nearly every beer. Different varieties of hops, not to mention the quantity and timing of their addition to the brew, can produce wildly different flavors.

Today, more and more brewers, especially microbrewers, are augmenting the barley/hop duo with additional herbs, spices and fruits, however this is purely as flavoring. Unless the beverage is brewed primarily with grain, it is not beer.

Now let's look at some common terminology:

Lager - a style of beer that is produced by bottom-fermenting yeasts, meaning the yeast sit on the bottom of the receptacle during fermentation. Lagers are the lightest beers in both color and flavor and are best served refrigerated. Most American beers (Coors, Miller, Budweiser) are based on German lagers.

Ale - this style of beer is produced by top-fermenting yeasts. Ales are darker and more strongly flavored than lagers and tend to exhibit "hoppy" qualities.

Stout - a third, less common style of beer produced by the brewing of roasted barley or malt. These beers are very dark and often possess toasty flavors. Irish-born Guinness is the most famous stout.

Beer Stein - a traditional German beer-drinking mug that can range in design from simple stoneware to intricate porcelain. Beer steins make a common collector's item.

Beer Garden ("Biergarten") - a large open area, usually with seating, in which beer and sometimes food is served. Most beer gardens in America are attached to restaurants, principally German restaurants.

Microbrewery - as you might suspect, this is a small-yield brewery. The allowable production under the name microbrewery varies by location. Most microbreweries tend to produce craft beers.

Craft Beer - this refers to any modern beer that has been made in the traditional manner without adjunct of auxiliary grains. Craft beers are almost always produced in small scale and with a focus on individuality. Much like a varietal in the wine world, craft beers are known and prized for their unique flavor. Most microbreweries brew craft beers.

Brewpub - this refers to pubs or restaurants that brew their own beer on-site. Brewpubs have grown in popularity year-over-year in the United States. Due to the scale of production, most brewpubs only traffic in craft beers.

Mead - a beer-like drink made by fermenting honey rather than grain. This is not beer, but it is an increasingly popular find at many brewpubs.

Cider - like mead, cider is popular at brewpubs, despite not actually being a beer. Cider (or "Hard Cider) is made from fermenting apples, often with hops for bitterness.

Yeasty, Tart, Vinous, Sweet, Sour, Salty, Phenolic, Metallic, Hoppy, Grainy, Fruity, Clovelike, Body, Bitter, Astringent - all terms used in the description of a beer's flavor and mouthfeel, for better or worse.

(For a more complete glossary, visit http://beeradvocate.com/beer/101/terms.php)

So that's a good head start. Now let's look at some of the best places to get it:

Denver, Colorado

The mile-high city is unassuming enough, maybe not one you would think of for a first time beer tour, but if you're lucky enough to be traveling late September to early October, there is actually no better place to start.

That's because the largest beer festival in the United States, the Great American Beer Festival, takes place in Denver every year and for the budding beer enthusiast (or the seasoned pro for that matter), the GABF is equivalent to paradise. Over 400 breweries, over 2000 beers to try, over 75 different styles on display - this is the starting point of any lifelong affair with beer. For three days you can sample beers from the world over to find just the brew for you.

The 2009 Great American Beer Festival will be held September 24-26 at the Colorado Convention Center in Denver.

For Denver, CO hotels near the airport, try the Embassy Suites Denver Airport Hotel, or for another good choice in Denver hotels, we like the Doubletree Denver-Southeast.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

A large influx of German immigrants in the 1840s gave Milwaukee a powerful thirst for high-quality beer, so it's no surprise that this humble Midwest town became synonymous with American beer by the mid-1900s. Once home to four of the country's largest brewers, Miller, Pabst, Blatz and Schlitz, Milwaukee remains today a powerful voice in American brewing.

This is a great place to visit numerous brewpubs and gain a first-hand knowledge of what that scene is all about. It's important to note that on-site brewed or craft beers are not necessarily better than major labels, but in Milwaukee they almost always are.

Another popular attraction in Milwaukee is to take a guided tour of the Miller Brewery, owned still by the Miller Brewing Company. This fascinating tour into the mass-production of beer ends with a free visit to the tasting pub. Always fun!

For Milwaukee hotels, try the Doubletree Milwaukee / Brookfield.

Boston, Massachusetts

What the Germans did for Milwaukee, the Irish did for Boston, so it's no surprise Boston is the place to find an authentic Irish Pub, which offers a personality and experience that can be totally different from just a bar. Boston is also a college town, so the bar scene is perpetually young, energetic and ready to party, if that's what you're in to.

You'll also find plenty of "Dive" bars, which traditionally cater to the working class but have grown increasingly popular for their low-key personality. Sullivan's Tap is a good one.

The Samuel Adams Brewery in Jamaica Plain offers tours and beer tasting.

For Boston hotels, consider the Embassy Suites Boston at Logan Airport Hotel.

San Francisco, California

Like Denver, San Francisco may not jump out of the public consciousness as a terrific beer city, but while places like Boston and Milwaukee have continued to absorb the acclaim, San Francisco has grown into one of the top spots in the country for microbreweries and brewpubs.

Any first time Bay City beer binger owes him or herself a visit to Toronado, San Francisco's most famous pub. Along with a massive selection of bottle and draft brews, some of which you won't find anywhere else in the Bay area or even California, Toronado's offers a rowdy atmosphere that you can't help but get caught up in, and until the very late hours, it offers all the fun at dive prices.

Along with the standard brewpub rigmarole, you can also find an establishment that's only now picking up steam in America: the gastropub. This originally British creation takes the guise of a standard brewpub but packs just as many surprises on the menu as the beer list. Essentially, it's a bar that serves upscale, modern food. A great food town already, the gastropub is the perfect evening haunt in San Francisco.

For San Francisco hotels, consider the Marriott SFO Fisherman's Wharf, or for a budget-friendly choice in Fisherman's Wharf hotels, consider the Holiday Inn Express Fisherman's Wharf.

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