"Sam whines and complains to me a lot, and then expects me to be
turned on to him and make love with him. When I don't want to, he
gets angry," said Jackie in our first telephone counseling session.
"I have become more and more shut down. I don't want our marriage to
end, but if we keep going this way, that is what is going to happen."

"Jackie, what happens when you try to talk with Sam about this?"

"He just gets defensive and blames me for his unhappiness. I just
don't know what to do."

"It sounds like Sam wants control over you, but is very resistant to
anything you have to say, and then the two of you get into a power
struggle. What I think might help is doing what I call 'prescribing
the symptom.' Let's do some role-plays so you can see what I mean.
You be Sam complaining and I will be you."

(Jackie being Sam, using a whiny voice) "Honey, I just couldn't sleep
last night, and I'm feeling so anxious about work. Maybe tonight we
can be together."

(Me, being Jackie) "Sam maybe if you whine just a little bit more and
try to make me feel really guilty, I will feel turned on to you!"

"Wow," laughed Jackie, "that might work!"

"Let's try some other role-plays."

"Okay. (Being Sam, yelling) You know what Jackie? I've had it with
you. I don't feel loved at all. Why should I stay in the marriage?"

(Me, being Jackie) "Sam, you are not being angry and threatening
enough. Maybe if you yell even louder and threaten more you can have
control over getting me to love you."

"Oh, I love this! I think that Sam is the kind of person who will
really get this!"

In our next session Jackie had much to report.

"This was a terrific week! I prescribed the symptom at least three
times! Each time Sam looked at me like I was crazy and then started
to laugh. He is really getting how ridiculous it is for him to think
that whining and complaining and yelling will get me turned on to
him. Near the end of the week he was much lighter and happier and I
actually felt turned on to him! We made love for the first time in
months."

Prescribing the symptom is an excellent way for some people to gain
awareness of what they are doing that is not working well for them.
When you are prescribing the symptom, it is important to:

Speak in a light, joking way, with no judgment.

Describe the behavior, encouraging the person to do it even more.

Describe the intent behind the behavior. For example, the intent of
Sam's whining and complaining was to make Jackie feel guilty enough
to give in. The intent behind anger or complaining is to have control
over getting what the person wants. It is very helpful to articulate
this intent to control, as I did in the role-play by saying, "Maybe
if you yell even louder and threaten more you can have control over
getting me to love you."

Many people are resistant and hate it when someone tells them what to
do. When you tell a resistant person to do exactly what they are
doing, and in fact to do it even more, they are likely to resist you
and stop doing what they are doing - whether they are children or
adults. After all, when someone is whining and complaining or getting
angry, he or she is being a controlling child who wants to be in
control, but does not want to be controlled.

Sometimes, prescribing the symptom can work wonders!

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