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How to Not to Ask: Six Ways That Don't Work, and One That Does

Written by Lynn Cutts

Friday, 28 April 2006

It's amazing how often we don't ask for what we want. Instead, we try different, indirect ways to manipulate people into fulfilling our needs without ever coming out and asking for what we want. We whine, suffer silently, demand, but never come out and say "Would you please . . .?" It's a universal trait.

Here are just a few of the ways we don't ask for what we want. Do you see yourself in here? Do you recognize anyone else?

CATHY COMPLAINER. Cathy Complainer will never ask you for anything outright. Instead, she just complains about the situation, and hopes you will come to her rescue. "It's too cold in here," she'll whine to you at a restaurant, "the cold air is blowing down my collar." But she won't ask the server if she could be seated at a table away from the air conditioner vent. She wants you to do it. "This laundry basket is so heavy. It hurts my back to carry it. Ouch! Now I've bumped my hand," she'll moan, instead of asking her husband to carry it for her. The result? She has a reputation as a whiner, and people try to avoid her. She almost never gets what she really wants.

DEMANDING DAN. No please and thank you from Dan! Dan demands - and expects - things to be done for him automatically, and done his way. It's part of his power issue. On your way out to lunch with friends, he'll demand, "Go to the deli and bring me a ham and cheese on rye. Dijon mustard. And coffee, cream, no sugar." He doesn't care that you're going in the opposite direction of the deli. If he were carrying (or thinking about carrying) a laundry basket, he wouldn't ask his wife. He'd order her. "Bring that basket down here right now!" He wants it now, and he wants it right. You're more liable to hear "I'll get you fired for this!" than "thank you."

Are you surprised to hear he's divorced and the least liked man in the company?

EDWARD THE EXPECTER. Don't ever do anything for Edward! Once you do, he's going to automatically expect that you'll do it over and over again, without being asked. Or thanked. Did you pick up a sandwich for him at the deli last month? Then he's going to assume that you will pick up a sandwich for him every time you go to the deli, and he'll be hurt if you don't. Although they used to alternate doing the laundry (she'd do it one week, he'd do it the next), his wife once made the mistake of taking his turn when he was sick. He was very surprised when she didn't keep on doing it all the time, and sulked and pouted when she insisted they go back to taking turns.

No one offers to help Edward out more than once, so he's often stuck doing things the hard way - by himself.

GLENDA THE GUILTER. Instead of asking for what she wants, Glenda tries to make you feel guilty that you have something she doesn't have. If you are going out to lunch, she'll sigh and say, "You are so lucky. I can't afford to go out to eat," all the while wishing that you'll offer to treat her. She'll complain to her long-suffering husband, "You just sit there while I have to do everything around here," hoping he'll jump up and do all the housework she hates to do. Everyone hates to do things with her because they end up feeling guilty about being able to enjoy things that Glenda doesn't. (Or more truthfully, won't.)

MARVIN THE MARTYR. Where Glenda tries to make you feel guilty about what you have, Marvin tries to make others feel guilty because of what he has to do. "How do you have time for lunch? I've got so much to do, I'll have to just grab something at my desk." Or, "Oh, you go and have a good time. I'll just stay here and do the laundry for you," - even though it's mostly his own clothes. What he really wants is someone to talk him into going, and/or to help him with the work he says he has to do. It seems as if he tries to drain the joy from everyone else's experiences instead of trying to find joy of his own. He's a sad and lonely man.

WISHFUL WANDA. Wanda won't ask for anything. Instead, she just sits there and looks wistful, hoping that you'll invite her along for lunch, but not letting you in on the secret. When you don't ask (because you have no idea she's even interested in going), she'll assume that you don't like her. Even though her husband would be happy to help out with the laundry, she won't ask him to. She's afraid he'll think less of her.

Wanda spends a lot of unnecessary time feeling scared and hurt.

Okay, so now you know how not to ask. How can you ask, effectively?

First of all, know that it's okay to ask. If you don't ask, you're not giving other people the opportunity to make their own decisions. You've made the decision for them, and the decision you've made is, "No." And that's not fair to you or them.

Next, be polite and clear about your request. Be sure you're asking, not telling or complaining. "Are you going to lunch? Would you mind if I came with you, or do you have other plans?" "Could you please carry this laundry basket downstairs for me?"

If possible and appropriate, make it easy for the other person to say, "No." When I make a request, I often tell people that they can say yes, no, or make a counter-offer. )In fact I say that so much that my daughter threatens to have it carved on my gravestone!) With this strategy you don't have to wonder whether they're going along with your request out of an inability to say "No" (which is actually their problem, not yours). But don't go overboard with this, and make your request too wishy-washy. "If I wouldn't be in the way, and if you really don't mind, and it's not an imposition, or too much trouble, would you mind if I joined you for lunch?" Pul-eese!

Be sure you're asking the right person. You wouldn't ask a bank teller for a loan; you'd go to a loan officer. Is the person you're asking the one with the knowledge, ability and authority? If not, then your question becomes, "Whom should I ask about . . .?" And that's a great question to ask.

Finally, no matter what the response, thank the person! And if they've done anything more than a quick verbal answer, drop them a thank you e-mail at the very least. If they've offered you a referral or an introduction, let them know how it turned out. There's nothing more frustrating than trying to hook Sam up with Mary and never knowing how it turns out.

Asking effectively is a skill, and it takes practice. What are you going to ask for today?

Article Source: http://www.ArticleBlast.com

About The Author:

Lynn Cutts is a highly successful Life Coach, Writer, and Muse whose mission is changing the world for the better, one person at a time. At www.ManageYourMuse.com, she shares free tips, articles, games and newsletters to help you realize your dreams. Lynn offers one-on-one coaching, group coaching and self-guided programs to help you create your own boundless life. Lynn is certified by the Coaches Training Institute and is a member of the International Coaches Federation.

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Copyright 2006 Lynn Cutts

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