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How to Avoid a Breakup - It's as Easy as 1 - 2 - 3!

Article Submitted by: Andrew Hunter

Monday, 15 March 2010

Few things in life are as unpleasant as a breakup. There's more than enough pain to go around, and things are said that can never be unsaid. Relationships that started as friendships often dissolve into acrimony and hatred. One of the most tragic of circumstances is when a couple breaks up even though they still love each other, but must separate because of circumstances or the dramatic ups and downs of their relationship.

Healthy long-term relationships are characterized by an easy air of convivial collegiality - even when arguing, there's little doubt the couple love one another. A relationship in trouble, though, exhibits none of this comfortable amiability. Neither partner displays any interest in doing anything with the other, and it seems more like a motel than a home, with each partner checking in and out during the day, with no emotional commitment.

There's no eye contact - in fact, there's no contact, period - physical intimacy is one of the first casualties when a relationship goes sour and begins the descent to breakup. Gone are the flirtatious glances and the random caresses. There's more passion in a government office.

Relationships can frequently be saved - many times the couple doesn't want to split up, they just feel pushed, or they misinterpret each other's intentions. If this is the case, their first step is to overcome the coldness between themselves long enough to sit together and talk about their problems and deal with them together. This isn't a time for assessing blame, but for two grownups who care about each other to analyze their relationship honestly and openly with each other. It's the beginning of re-establishing communications between them.

After talking together, they must part for a while and meditate on their talk and on whether they're willing to make the commitment and sacrifices necessary to save the relationship. This is no time for either to give lip service to rescuing the relationship - if either one isn't committed to preserving the relationship, they should let it end.

At this point, assuming both have confirmed their desire to save the relationship, it's time to sit down once again and get down to the nitty-gritty of discussing the sometimes hurtful specifics. Again, this isn't the time for assessing blame, regardless. This is triage - identifying first the most serious obstacles to staying together and trying to deal with them. Honesty and candor are still paramount - don't make commitments to a course of action you're uncomfortable with, or know you cannot live up to. All that accomplishes is to hurt the other person and betray their trust. Promises made in these conversations must be kept.

Once you start talking again, identifying problems you're experiencing together and taking those first tentative steps toward resolving them, and living up to your promises and commitments, it's appropriate to spend at least some time rebuilding your foundation together. This is the second step - start actively rebuilding your relationship. Talk again about your future, the things you love about each other and the things you both hold dear. Don't just rehash the things you discussed when you first got together, but share with each other the person you've become as a result of being part of this couple. There must be new aspirations and desires that now figure in your future together. They should be part of your rebuilding. If you care deeply about each other even though you don't really share many interests or dreams, don't be too concerned - some special couples have glorious relationships without sharing any particular interests or aspirations, but those they have are complementary. As long as you can continue to care for each other and continue to express it in word and in deed, your relationship should stay secure and thrive.

Third, stay focused on rebuilding your relationship and making your future together. Don't slip, don't get lazy and fall back into the old habits of not communicating, and growing apart. And when you need it, go ahead and ask for help. Other than death, there's no problem in human relationships that a couple in love is unable to solve together. As time passes and you grow more and more accustomed to regularly communicating candidly and openly, these problems will never multiply and grow to the point where they threaten your relationship, and you'll realize that this crisis in your relationship was actually the best thing that ever happened to it.

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About The Author:

Andrew Hunter enjoys helping men deal with the conflicts and challenges they experience in relating with women and helping them form successful relationships.

If you found this article helpful and would like to discover more ways to improve your relationship, also check out Stop a Breakup, How to Mend a Broken Heart, and Review of Jason Hicks.

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